Lost

to be continued...

Red Hulk Revamped

For those that follow my ramblings on facebook and messenger, you know that I fancy myself as the Red Hulk. 

Janie seems to have the whole "hulk thing" figured out.  According to her, it's because I am this emotionally distant person who actually does care about a lot of things deeply.  She believe that it takes some kind of catalyst to spark this 'rage' that puts me in this emotional state. Upon discovery of my buddy Jeff's relationship with his sister, I created a lie that would allow me to track how far that that relationship goes.  I really didn't know what to expect, but I just had nothing better to do at the time.  I told Jeff that I had attended an anger management class because I was an angry individual and not to tell anyone - not even his sister.  I even sold it to him by saying that when I get angry, I start to see red - a textbook case for the diagnosed angry.   He took the bait and told her.  To this day, I have not told him that it was a lie. I keep this in mind as I talk with Janie, and later laugh at some of the responses.  Obviously some of the responses have been conditioned for me.  Perhaps it is time to come clean.

I portray myself as the Red Hulk because his might grows as his anger grows.  Red Hulk was never able to control the rage.  He would get so angry that his rage would end up becoming his demise against all who opposed him.  I channel "rage" into all of my workouts.  By channeling this rage so often, I learned to control it.  There would be times that I would recall a tragedy or breakup that really angered me just before I set foot in the gym.  I would do this to put myself in a mindset that I did not enjoy.  My workout would be my way of getting out.  I was no longer watching myself lift weights, but I was destroying cars and breaking down buildings to escape.  As imaginative as this sounds, it really works for breaking plateaus and ignoring pain.

In retrospect, Janie was partially right.  I do require some sort of catalyst; however, I control my own.  Well, why the red hulk and not the regular green one?    I live in Houston, and it is red.  Nothing about me is regular, so green was out.  Gamma rays and green or fire and red?  The choice for me was clear.

Wrap Up

I ended my last post before finishing.  The two remaining pieces of my life are women and wellness.

Women!  I have a very special woman in my life.  She is my guiding light, and she will forever guide me in my life.  I have been asked the question, "why have I not settled down yet?".  I was once ready to settle down with a woman who I had been with for 6 years, but her family tension and pressure was not something I was interested in. The tension turned into pressure and then was forcing my hand to make certain compromises that I did not want to make.  That 6 year mistake dwindled away into nothing.  I feel nothing for her anymore.  The fact is, I never even think about her at all.  I have just wised up and decided to never make that type of mistake ever again.  Yes it was a mistake.  I have shifted my focus from that old relationship to the gym.

The gym is my new focus.  Mainly, ME!  I said that I am going to get in shape, going to slim down, and going to put on some muscles.  I didn't want to be just another guy with a beer belly and poor eating habits.  With the support of my friend, I am close to completing that goal.  I lost 45 total pounds in 1 year, and I am constantly making gains at the gym.  I never felt so confident looking at myself.  Small example - when I first started going to the gym, I looked for the quickest way to lose weight.  I tried thermogenics, substitutions and a lot of the latest products at the time that promised results.  None of that stuff worked.  I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that I want my back to be the strongest muscle I have.  Now, my back is packing on the muscles that I never believed I could.  I did the research and through trial and error, developed a workout routine that works for me and my diet.  It took me one full year to comprehensively understand how my body works, and what works for me to lose fat and put on muscle.  Now, the gym is my temple.  I put my ipod in my ear and the rest of the world has no meaning.  No phone, no distraction, just me.  I spend so much time in the gym because it's one place where I control my gains.  I love losing myself in what I do while at the gym.  I am not a gym rat or meat-head.

All things said, I completed the sole resolution that I made to myself  - Get in shape and make strength gains.  I have been thinking about some new ones for this coming year.  I want to quit smoking.  I stopped for 2 weeks, which does not seem long to the non-smoker, but it is.  When I am stressed about my life, I go to the gym and also smoke.  I eased up on my drinking.  My next major goal is to make myself more desirable to myself and others.  By others, I mean my friends and WOMEN!  Right now I am in a rut, but I have slowed things down enough to sort of the meaning of this rut and how to fix it.  I am 28 years old and have nothing to show for it.  Time for a change.

Demons

A lot of things have been on my mind as of late.  Family, school, job, friends, women and wellness.

After some recent events in my life, I have started to believe that there is no good left in the world.  I lost my guiding light that told me what I should do and when I should do it.  The last conversation I had with my guiding light was the most personal one that I have ever had.  I mentioned that people that are down on their luck like me tend to stoop to criminal measures, but I would never do that.  There's so much more that I could say, but it puts me in such a dark place that I cannot invest the time right now to come back.

Everyone always asks me how I am doing or how do I feel, and I never know how to answer.  How would anyone feel if they're answers for all right/wrong questions were taken away? 

My schoolwork has been in line with my plan.  I complete everything ahead of schedule.  My teammates and I have a synergistic relationship.  This has been the first time, in a long time, that I respect the work ethic of my group.  I could only hope that I can continue to take classes with them and maintain this enlightening relationship. 

The job prospects have fallen off the radar; hopefully because of the "christmasy" season.  Everyday that ticks by, I can only hope that I will get a call soon.  I cannot go on like this forever.  For FUCKS SAKE! 

My family and friends have never meant more to me than they do now. 

I will get to the others when I return from my long awaited trip to 'sanctuary'.